A Penny for Your Thoughts…

I pride myself for being a good friend. Unfortunately ive yet to say the same about being a girlfriend. So I usually end up being “just” friends with guys I date or used to date. For a long time I found nothing wrong about this. But lately I got to wondering if what my friend said about me “chickening” out when things got a little too close for comfort could be true. I do admit that unlike most of the female population (and more like most of the male…) I have commitment issues. While most women my age would love nothing more than to be in a committed relationship, I would prefer to be single – after all why miss out on what’s out there. Go on dates, spend as much time with my girlfriends, taking trips, shopping til we dropped, or lock myself in my place and watch dvds all day, curl in bed with a good book, catch up on my artwork, or be out hanging out with my guy friends. I can go on about the number of privileges I enjoy as a single woman in her mid- twenties. And that’s on top of me being part of the “bum” population. Imagine trying to fit all the things you usually do or want to do with a full-time job and having a boyfriend! Nowadays it’s a full-time job to be a girlfriend.

I can manipulate the outcome of this discussion to arrive at a conclusion that I am not missing out on something great just because I am single and unattached – although at the risk of sounding like I am sourgraping. But I won’t because this is a trip I’d want to take. I would like to explore the intricacies of being in a relationship just as I would being single. With a little help from friends of course. Its been almost four years since I have been in a committed exclusive serious relationship (… and even that last one doesn’t qualify me as an expert since it didn’t last more that a little over three measly months! ☺)

From my “extensive” research on the matter there are at two general tendencies and perspective: the male and the female. I would much rather focus on the female tendencies since my question revolves around whether or not I am any different from the rest of my species? Which necessitates going thru my childhood in a nutshell.

I am the fourth of five children, the youngest amongst four girls. Like most young girls I had my share of countless hours spent daydreaming. I would be a pixie in a magical forest waving my wand to make flowers bloom or to create a rainbow at the end of a refreshing rainfall. On other days I would be sliding down this magnificent waterfalls to land on this breathtakingly serene beach. Some days id be surrounded by my magical friends, sitting down, content, and simply enjoying nature’s wonders. Weird as it may sound (even to me now that I’m a grown up) I actually felt a certain oneness with nature often having conversations with a member of the flora of fauna. Surprisingly I realise now that, even though these conversations were mere products of my vivid imagination, they made a lot of sense – then and even now. Then there were those days (mostly rainy days) when I would usually feel an overwhelming need to share these feelings of love for all things nice and wonderful. The big question was how.

To the outside world I was your average youngster going thru the same growing pains, literally getting into a few fights over seemingly insignificant things with other kids in school or at home. I was never an outcast or a wallflower. I was out there. What most people didn’t know was that I had to fight tooth and nail to be able to express my thoughts, my feelings, my individuality to the world. Deep down I had a nagging feeling that somehow I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Did i ever belong? But even then I knew that I had to wait it out first. It was as if I was an old soul trap in a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up.

As a young tomboy enjoying the company of my rowdy but dependable friends from the opposite sex. It came easy, making, having and keeping boy friends. I always felt safer and more comfortable around them. Then at the onset of puberty, came the confusion. Why did it have to be complicated. Why couldn’t girls and boys be just friends without the added baggage of physical attraction? As far as I was concerned boys and girls are not much different from each other – to hell with menarche and boobs! Me, being the rebel that I was, resolved to defy the bounds of norms and be one of the boys. And I did. I went thru high school without going thru any of the puppy loves. Which, by the way, explains the fact that and why I do not have a childhood sweetheart story.

Then came my first run in with love (or something like it) in college. Not bad I thought… who ever said that I had to have a whole lotta practice to get that one right the first time? Or so I thought I had it right. At first blush you think its love, but then you realize its not what you think it is. But I’m gonna give credit where its due. Once (which seems like ages ago) I did feel what I thought and still think is the kinda love I would like to have and keep if it came again at the right time and with the right person this time. Although m pretty sure that under those conditions what I thought was great then would be exponentially greater – again that is if I’m lucky enough to find “it”. I’ve had my fair share of the dating game. And to be able to say that I was actually deeply and passionately in love with someone at one point in my life, I count myself lucky. As the saying goes – its better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all.

I’m done playing. When you think its not going anywhere, why bother? When I find myself in a situation when I actually think its better not to complicate things I step back and do my best to salvage whats left to save. Hopefully, you get to keep them as friends. But that only works if the other person wants to keep up the friendship, otherwise you’ll be up for another futile uphill battle against all odds. All you can do is try.

I look at myself then and now with no regrets over the person I have become. It sounds passe but I am what I am now because of what I have gone through in that department. And mind you I have been through a lot. Its like hell and back. And I know I’m barely at the junction in my long journey through life. Despite being battle-scarred and a little exhausted, I try to keep up my optimism. I might be wincing just to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I do see it. But ’ve learned to call a spade a spade. If anything I don’t take things personally anymore. For instance, when someone says its not you- its me, I will take your word for it. I believe in saying what you mean – and when someone says one thing he or she should mean it. Why beat around the bush? Why blow my brains thinking of whats wrong with me when clearly its just not working out. Closure is overrated. You know whats wrong – face it. My new dating mantra – no expectations and no assumptions.

I like to think that for the right guy I would be willing to risk going through the heartache that can inevitably follow when things do not end the way you’ve envisioned it to. I’ve definitely learned to pick my fights. But when I do decide to go to war, I will go prepared in my full battle gear. Bring it on!