A Penny for Your Thoughts…

About a week ago I got a call from a close friend of mine. She had great news. She got engaged! Needless to say I was happy for her, but I just had to ask her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to tie the knot. (Yeah, the writer’s a woman, no need to check again. Some of us also think of it as an end of an era.) When she replied yes – I rested my case. I wasn’t about to launch into a speech about how big a step it is to get married lest I dampen her happy day. Afterall who am I? I am not an authority on marriage. I have never been married, not even engaged. (Though I’ve been an the receieving end of a proposal, but that certainly doesn’t give me a license to lecture her! So here’s my one bit on the subject. DISCLAIMER: I respect the conservative view on the matter of marriage but I don’t fully subscribe to that train of thought. So I hope I will be afforded the same courtesy regarding my thoughts on the same. Everything you’ll read about is MY personal opinion.)

Yesterday, I got a call from another friend – a guy. And no, he did not call to tell me he was going to get married. He called to ask if I wanted to go together at another common friend’s engagement party next week. (Well, he did joke about it being his engagement party – I didn’t buy it tho.) I forgot all about it! I said yeah we should go together. We hung up. But that wasn’t the end of that subject.

Three days earlier, I found myself sitting opposite a partner at this law firm I applied at for my “job interview”. He asked me why I wasn’t married. I know I shouldn’t be surprised to hear personal questions in such a situation – so I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t mind answering it at all either. It wasn’t as if it was the first time I was faced with such queries regarding my being single. So you’re thinking: Huh??? Nothing wrong bout being single and not married, you’re just 25! Ooppss… I forgot, lemme correct that – … my being a single mom! So what’s my point? Well, now I’m sitting at home thinking. What’s up with the marrying fever? Why do I get all “icky” with the thought of marrying someone? Is it just me, am I weird? Or is it the whole concept of marriage that turns me off? Or am I a closet romantic who’s secretly waiting for the “right guy” (is there such an animal)?

My thoughts on marriage? Theoretically, marriage is a covenant (canon law) and a contract (civil law). To my mind, marriage is a commitment. Not a bad deal if you put it that way. So why the cynicism? I feel that marriage is a big step. Whenever another contemporary of mine gets married, I get the feeling we’re getting older. I know getting into marriage doesn’t require one to be that old. You just have to be 18 (with qualifications) for it to be legally binding. Marriage, ideally, should be thought through. The parties have to be mature – psychologically capacitated. But more often than not, chronological age and maturity are directly proportional to each other (save for a few exceptional people I guess). This is probably why I feel I am getting older (and hopefully wiser).

I guess my cynicism comes from the many marriages I’ve had the occasion to witness or hear about fail for various reasons. And there are the couples who stay married (meaning living together) but have entirely separate lives. I cant figure out which is worse actually. Have a failed marriage or still be in a farce of a marriage. Though I also know a number of couples who are still enjoying married bliss – but they’re few compared to the former. A dying breed so to speak. Or (at the risk of sounding pessimistic) maybe if they still are, how long is it really gonna last? Is there really such a thing as forever – til death do us part?

Its not so much that I don’t ever wanna get married. I am open to the idea. What I have a problem accepting is the necessity for marriage. I think marriage is a choice and not a given. It is just one of the many options we have and should exercise responsibly in life. One thing I know for sure, i wanna be merry with the person I marry. (To be continued…)

I’ve lost count (was I really keeping score?…) of the number of times I’ve heard people talk about finding meaning in their lives. How do we find meaning? How long does it take to find it? Is finding meaning really important? Or to ask the “unasked” but very palpable question of doubt hovering above us: Is there such a thing as meaning in our lives? What if we never find meaning? Do we pass on unfulfilled?

Again I start with an attempt at figuring out what people mean by “meaning” (sorry but pun intended!:). Is meaning the same as purpose? I hear about finding purpose just as often. Purpose? Goal or an end. Meaning? Significance or purpose. And I’d like to make my very own distinction between the two. Meaning is actually a broader term than goal. Goal is much more specific. Meaning can be used to refer to a goal or an end. But it can also mean motivation. The driving force behind an act. Nevertheless enough semantics. I would prefer to refer to this elusive “thing” as meaning.

I admit I’m guilty of having asked (whine actually) the same question to myself over and over again. Will I ever get to find meaning in my life? SSDD. Same Shit Different Day! I still get those days, though not as often as I used to go through before. Whether we like it or not, things do eventually fall into a routine. And when it does, I don’t think it necessarily means that you’re become boring. (Although in most cases I’m sorry to say… yeah, you’ve definitely become boring…. Well more accurately – predictable.) It is usually when this happens that we get to wonder to ourselves (or even out loud) if we’re happy doing what we do. Are we meant to do this? If not, what are we supposed to be doing with our lives? If yes, will this be the key to finally being happy or contented? Which brings about the query: Is it only when we find meaning that we can be happy and contented with our life?

I think it is important to know what you want to do in life. Life is what you make of it. There is neither a fixed schedule nor a fixed path. Only one thing is certain – we will die. We seal our fate with the choices we make. While I believe that there is a bigger picture. That somehow we a part of a great plan — Destiny. I also believe in free will. That freedom to think, choose and decide. People should take advantage of such gift. How often do we think about our acts? Make conscious decisions and take responsibility for its consequences.

So how do we reconcile the concept of destiny/fate with free will? If life hands me lemons, do I have to make lemonades? Destiny is the argument. But destiny can only get you so far as hand you the lemons. What you do with the lemons is your own. I would then ask myself: Do I wanna spend the rest of my life making lemonade? Is destiny trying to push me in that direction? So who am I to question fate? Do I have a choice? I say, there’s always a choice! I don’t believe that you can be in a situation where there is only one choice. There are other choices. They may not be as easy or obvious but there’s bound to be at least one other choice. There is afterall a number of solutions to a problem. What usually happens is we want the fastest, easiest solution – which isn’t necessarily the most effective one, though it could be. Then comes in free will. I can choose to resign myself to making lemonade or I can figure out something else. I could plant lemons. Do something with the lemons or anything worthwhile to do but still be in the lemon business. But I could also decide that I don’t want these lemons. I can sell the lemons and use the money to get into something else other than the lemon business. This way I get to decide on my own what I want to do with my life. Bottomline still is: Is it really what you want to do.

Musings on life and its meaning gets me really subdued. I like to think that it is good to sit down and reflect on your life every now and then. Its sort of a stop, look and listen episode. Check your status. Where was I before? Where am I now? Am I happy with the way I got to where I am now? Is this where I want to be? Am I a better person? Do I like who and what I am today? What can I do about it? Though a word of caution: please don’t overdo it lest you wake up depressed and obsessed. Worst case scenario? You could spend the rest of your life searching for something that is already staring you in your face but you just haven’t recognized it. Or you may never find it for a number of reasons and end up unhappy, frustrated and unfulfilled (or so you think). So let it go. At the end of the day. Its not really about finding meaning or purpose. If you at any point you get to figure it out then call yourself lucky. But just in case you don’t, you’re not really missing out on life. There’s more to life than finding out its meaning. Live. There is some truth to the oft quoted adage: Live each day to its fullest… As if it’s the last day of your life.

“It is this insistence of man upon meaning that makes him so difficult. Once he realizes that he is of no importance whatever in the vast scheme of the universe, that no possible significance can be attached to his activities, that it does not matter whether he lives or dies, he will becomes much more … tractable.” - Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand